Easy Criminal

It has been an interesting week, mainly day. I have been accused. I have been run over. All for what? I am not sure. You know we all got our own things that hurt us, that bug us, that infuriate us. We all deal with our pain in different ways. Some keep it themselves, letting it fester inside them, never saying a word to anyone. Others make a joke out of it as a way of protecting themselves, pretending as if it never mattered. And still others attack everyone around them to stop themselves from thinking about what is causing their own pain. I guess I have always had this belief, this way of living to treat other people the way I would like to be treated. So, yeah, I try not to say something that would be hurtful to them. I try to not to throw stones when I am angry. Why? Because I would never want anyone to treat me like that in return.

Have you ever known someone that you wanted to enjoy? That you wanted to love unconditionally but yet could never let yourself completely? There is this soul that I know, that I've known for a long time. Our friendship has been rocky at times. We are two different personalities coming from two different places. The way that we deal with our lives are very different. I understand that as an adult we have choices to make and they are not always the easiest choices. I know that anything worth having will never be easy. I completely get that my mistakes or my carelessness have consequences and I get that I must take those consequences of my actions as they come, face them head on. My friend is not there yet. I won't go into the details but tonight words were shared that hurt me so deeply. Was it the words that were spoken? Or was it that I finally understood that I would never be able to love this person unconditionally as a friend should? And I can't answer that... at least not yet. Their words were cold, uncaring, almost hateful that tears poured out my face. It wasn't an attack on me. It wasn't even about me. It was about more than I can even explain. It was about the mere ignorance they had for anyone else's feelings than their own. This isn't the first time this friend has behaved in such a way. It is certainly not the first time that my feelings have been hurt by them.

So at what point do you walk away from a friend that consistently shows you no concern? I wanted to help this person if they had been sad or scared or even angry. I wanted them to know that as their friend I would be there for them... but something between us broke tonight. I am just not sure it is fixable. Maybe my reaction was too much, too emotional. Maybe the nonchalance in their tone was just their defense mechanism and maybe they are hurting more than they will ever let me know. I believe in compassion. I believe in being kind to the people around you even when you would rather throw them off a building... but where is the line when the compassion you give does nothing but turns around on you? I don't know.

Tonight this compassion I have was turned against me in another way. I have done nothing but attempted to show this man kindness even when he didn't deserve it. I have never gone after him in a ugly, hateful way even when I saw a little girl's heart break. Tonight I received a phone call accusing me of doing something I would never do. More often than not from the people around him I am thought of as a horrible monster. Granted, I can be a bitch. Granted, I am not always the nicest person. I can, however, assure you and them that these horrible things that they think that I do are ridiculous.

Life is pretty fucked up sometimes. I wish that the rainbows and butterflies in my mind could be real and that's where I could live. I wish I could be in a place where people were honest and kind, true and real without this fear of their heart breaking. I am a tough chick. I can withstand most anything. Punch me, kick me, push me down but know that words are far more crippling.

Jenga

I suppose you could say that I have some revelations of late about what kind of person I am and the kind of person I want to become. I have learned to let the fights that don't need to be fought go and when to stand up and say wait a minute. I can remember in my younger years I fought just about everything that blinked but it was tiresome. Truth be told life kicked the shit out of me a few good times. Yeah I gave up a bit. Now though it seems that the fire that once burned is trying to reignite itself. How do you light your match without burning yourself up? It is a matter of focus. Every day I am surrounded by trivial minds who get upset over the simplest of things. It gets to me at times to a point I would like to turn around and scream obscenities at them but I do not. Instead I try to go to a place in my mind where there is peace and hope. I escape to my imagination, an imagination that I have not let breathe in quite some time. I don't think because we become adults we can't still imagine a better world where everything is possible. It's such a cop out. Because I am older I can no longer imagine what life would be like if I didn't have to pay bills? It is the one basic human right and it helps all of us get through a life less desirable.

Today a friend complained and complained about everyone around her. I asked her a simple question. Do these people really matter? At the end of the day when you go home and live your real life, do what these people say or do determine your happiness? She didn't know what to say so she turned it on me. I merely said that I had no feeling on these people one way or the other because they don't mean anything real to me. I know. It sounds cold. Are we not supposed to care about the people around us? To a point, to a point... I am certainly not going to let someone else's small mind shrink my own nor am I going to allow them to take away the sun that shines inside me. What is important in this life has nothing to do with what kind of job you have or even the opinions that people have you. All you can ever do is be you.

What does that have to do with my new found fire? Nothing and everything. I have allowed myself lately to feel that warmth again. In the process, I have learned to filter out all the things that shouldn't matter including negativity from people such as those. I am an adult, true. I have responsibilities, absolutely.... but I am still that girl with fiery spirit and she needs love, too. Life is a game of balance, a tricky manipulation of good and bad. You just have to learn how to live your life without losing you in the process.

Reality of a twisted mind

I often wonder why I don't just shut up and do that something amazing that I know that I am able to do. I know it's not a matter of failure because I'm okay with failing if that is the case. Perhaps it's more the idea of success. If I achieve all of my dreams and my goals, what then do I have to imagine? If I become the writer I know I can be, the coffee shop owner I know I will be, what's next? It's like finding love I guess. You go through your life dreaming of the day that you will meet your true love, imagine the day you walk down the aisle, the day you bear your first child, and then out of the blue those things happen. So what do you imagine next? I suppose, for me, these poetic dreams of writing for a living and owning my own sanctuary have always been a part of me. To actually have them? I just don't know if I would know what to do next. But is there a "next"? What if that's it? Dreams are a force inside of you. They push you, mold you, love you in a way only they can. When they become reality, they are no longer that romantic thought, that far fetched whim. They are tangible and real and become just like the lunches that have to be made, the laundry that has to be done, the job that you have to go to. They aren't these fantastical, hypothetical journeys anymore. So what is it that I am saying? Am I saying that it's not worth it to chase your dreams? Am I saying that wanting all your life is better than having? Honestly I don't know what I'm saying. I can't make up your mind for you. All I know is that those are the questions I battle with. I will be published one day. I will own my shop, too... when I decide that I am ready for them to be more than a thought in my head.

My father once told me that he was disappointed in me because I did not live up to the potential he knew I had. Did I get angry at him? Nah. It would have been a pointless anger because I get it. Most of my life I have flown on the wings of mediocrity. Being anything more than that was taxing to a woman who was a single mother. Sure, I wanted to show my daughter that everyone has wings to soar but it was always more important to put food on the table, shoes on her feet, a roof over her head. I saw the look in my father's eyes and I knew that I was a disappointment because I was a disappointment to myself. The one thing that I have always been good at was being a mother. I wouldn't trade that one thing for a million published novels or a billion coffee shops. My dreams could wait... at least until she was old enough to chase her own.

She is halfway to adult hood and I suppose that is why these questions have started to form more loudly in my head. She will leave the nest soon, leaving me to figure out what it is I'm supposed to do now that I am not needed anymore. She won't need her lunches made or her laundry done or a cuddle at night. So why is it that I don't get off my ass? Perhaps the little girl in me deserves the same chance to chase her dreams, too.

Friends. Who needs them?

I haven't posted a blog for awhile but I've got the time miraculously enough. I suppose I have a few things I would like to get off my mind. You know it has occurred to me as of late that I really don't hang out with people in general. Why? I really didn't know the answer to this initially. Do I dislike people? Do I think I am better than people? And the answer to both of those questions is no. I know. Some people would like to think me a bitch but I'm not. I have always had huge defense mechanisms that make me come off as being such. Truth is I'm a pretty sweet girl and love to help people but you know how it goes. You're nice for awhile and the world takes advantage of it, making it impossible to know when to be kind and when to shut it off. Like most people will tell you, I just got tired of being taken advantage of. So, yeah, I keep my distance and I don't allow of people to get all that close to me because it is easier that way. I have the best of intentions but after awhile you just don't doubt everyone else's.

Recently I reconnected with an old friend. He was probably my best friend for a good three years of my life. I adored him even when I knew that the friendship was not healthy, almost one sided. He asked. I gave. I asked. He asked for more. Call it self deprivation. Call it enlightenment. Call it what you will. It came to a point where I had enough. I realized that all this person was doing was sucking the very life out of me so I bolted. Slowly I edged this person out of my life because it was the right thing for me to do. I grew up I guess but I wasn't going to grow with this person in my life. So a year or so went by and we ran into each other again. I was like, yeah, I missed you. Let's be friends. The thing is what I have found is now we have nothing in common. He is still living that life style and I am not which makes it hard for us to connect.

And then there is another friend who does nothing but make other people feel horrible about themselves. If you do something great, she will find a way to make herself appear better. I'm not that kind of person nor have I ever been. If you win the trophy, I am going to be happy for you and we are going to celebrate your victory. I'm not gonna tell you I just saved 3.2 children from a burning house.

It makes me question my choice of company sometimes. Do we hang out with certain people because they are reflections of us? Or do we hang out with certain people because they remind us of who we don't want to be? And at what point do we figure this out? I don't know. Perhaps that is the reasoning for my constant loner-like behavior. I find it easier to only have to deal with myself. At least when I am being a douche bag, I can do something about it. Other people can't be controlled and sometimes that is tedious.

In my perfect world, we would all be friends and we would help each other. We would celebrate our good qualities and help each other work out the bad. We would support each other and elevate each other and not be so harsh with each others' feelings. There would be no secret agendas or twisted gossip, just honesty and respect for every part of who we are. This Utopia may never happen in reality but it's a nice fantasy in my head I suppose...

Small minds and Trivial Egos

I suppose you could say it was interesting observation on humankind today as I was leaving for work. In general I do find people to be lazy and self serving but I like to give them the benefit of the doubt. I would love for them to prove me wrong and allow me to see the best in them instead of assuming the worst. Generally speaking I keep a good distance away from people on the whole. They do their thing and I go on and do my thing. We live happily beside each other. My parents were kind enough to give me a well rounded education when I was young, enabling me with the capability to learn and to adapt to the world around me. I understood at a very young age that the world was filled with all sorts of different people like a rainbow is full of an array of different colors. I didn't pass judgment. I didn't demand more than what I deserved. I offered a hand when someone was in need. Today, however, a few people's true colors shined. I often excel in the things that I do whether I enjoy the task or not. To me, things are simple as long as you don't complicate them. I have a job that by all means is one of the easiest ones I've ever had and at times the most frustrating. It's not what I'm supposed to be doing but it is what I must do at the moment. I won't deny that I'm good at what I do though it does not challenge me in any sort of way. And apparently because I am good at what I do, I inadvertently make other people who do the same meaningless task as me look bad. Did I intentionally outshine them? Did I cause their reprimand? I think not. I do what I do and that's all there really is to it, simple.

What was so shocking to me yet humorous at the same time was the way that these people reacted once they were talked to. Instead of taking responsibility for their own lack of achievement, they berated me and asked me to stop doing what I was doing. They suggested that I do not do a good job and that I slack off because I was making them look bad. In other words, they were asking me to not be who I am for the sake of making them look better. Pride is a funny thing. When it is hurt, it makes you do funny things including asking someone else to change for your benefit. My response? I laughed and told them no basically. The great thing about being me is that because I was so well educated that I understand that this was this their folly, not my own. The great thing about having self respect is that you can smell someone's own lack of it from miles away. I understood why they were asking me. I understood what they wanted me to do but it wasn't going to happen.

Is their laziness my problem? You can't make a dog shit when it's pouring outside if it doesn't want to. You can't force someone to take responsibility for their own laziness if they have no desire to change it. And you can't demand someone else stop being who they are for your own gain. So, no, I won't take it down a notch or slow down or compromise who I am by any means because who I am will always be something greater than people like that.

For the Moms

Mother's Day is one of the few Halmark holidays that makes sense. Sure, we all go out and buy gifts for our mothers that are sentimental and we say all those things that we should say through out the year. As a mother, I won't lie. I enjoy the gifts and the appreciation and the fuss... but if they took that all away a simple thank you is enough. It is nice to know that your hard work as a mother doesn't go unnoticed. It is nice to know that somewhere in your children's mind and husband/boyfriend's thoughts that they know, too, the things that you sacrifice for them.

I honestly don't think you can appreciate your mother until you are mother yourself. I don't mean that in any offense to those of you out there who don't have children. There is some kind of understanding that happens when you've been up all night with your baby because they are puking or cyring, when you're up all night working on a project for school that you're kid has known about for two weeks but doesn't bother to work on until the night before, when that little face looks up at you and says that she loves you. You understand at that moment why your mother never threw you off a bridge. You realize how big of a love your mother had for you and then you feel horribly guilty for all the hateful things you said to her when your hormones took over your body. There is something about being a mother that makes your own mother all that more amazing to you.

Does my daughter love me? Absolutely. I understand though that she won't truly understand the sacrifices that I've made for her until she's older. She won't understand why I made all those sacrifices until some little monkey calls her mommy, too. I get that. It is perfectly normal.

So today whether you are a mother or not, go give your mom a big hug and let her know how much she really means to you. They did it for you every day when they did your laundry, made your dinner, fixed your bed, kissed your scraped knee... we just didn't know that all those things meant love.

Oberve in silence

I have to say that it was an interesting week. I ran a few experiments if you will. My findings were varied. The experiment was to keep out of bay, to cut off any kind of emotional attachment that I had with my surroundings. How I did this was quite simple. Before I engaged in conversation with others. I asked questions and behaved as if I was shocked by the responses. I gave the impression that how these people lives made an ounce a difference in the way that I lived my own. I allowed their behavior as crazy as it was at moments to effect the way that I acted. So how do you cut this off? The only way I could think of was to not speak. I stopped asking the questions, stopped reacting to the gossip, and quickly switched the subject when there was even a chance that petty, mean conversation was about to take place. And what was my outcome? My silence made people assumed that I was grumpy and/or mad at them. Did I make my point? I don't know. It was necessarily a failure. However I can't say that it was a success.

Here is the real reason I did this. One, I was becoming too stressed out by those surroundings. In my past when a friend became too much of a negative influence in my life, I walked away from them and didn't turn back... or at least didn't come back around until they changed or I was in a better mind state to be there for them. This is a place that I am unable to walk away from at the moment so I needed to find a way to tolerate it. Really though I just didn't like what it was making me. I didn't like the way that I was getting angry all the time or the way that I started to treat other people. At some point I realized that I was becoming just as trivial and ugly as the rest of them. So by cutting off the negative conversations and negative actions that were surrounding me, I have cut off any negative impulses that I might have had.

Did it work? It did, yes. However I alienated some people I suppose but in the end the people that I alienated were making it hard for me to be who I really am. I admit. I may not like people in general but I have no malice towards them. I do not wish anyone harm and would help someone more often than not. Would people do the same for me? They have and they haven't just the same.

Clever Me

Here I am, thirty years old, with a wonderful kid and a good, honest relationship and a family that supports me in their own way even I can't always understand their good intentions. I suppose lately my age has started to mean something. Like most, you get to a certain age and you start to take count of your life and wonder what happened to all those passing years. When I was a kid all I wanted to do was write. For the most part I have kept that up but not for the world to read. I have notebooks upon notebooks full of my rambles and yet no one to share it with. Why not? I often ask myself that same question. Life has a funny way of just getting away from you. I got detoured because of things I could not control and by my own doing. I was young and broken and for a while there didn't think that I was worth anyone's time because of something that happened that changed me so deeply as a person. And then I healed with the help of a small child, knowing it was the only kind of love that would put my pieces back together. And then? And then I was a single mother with responsibilities and mouths to feed and bills to pay. My dreams were put to the side intentionally because they had to be. Some people become parents and it doesn't change their life style. They do what they always do but for me my life became those big brown eyes. I have no regrets though. In every way, good or bad, I wouldn't change a thing about my life.

So now I work at a job that I loath because I still have to pay the bills and put food on the table. I do it out of love for more than myself. Still I can't help but to always come back to this. The written word has been my very best companion since I was a small child. It has helped me see the good in me and face all the bad even when I didn't want to. It has made sense out of my chaotic life. Even if I don't know what it is that I'm trying to say, my words always have a way of forming that complete thought for me.

Life happens though. It distracts you from all those wonderful things that you know that you are. So you end up working a job you can't stand because of obligation but couldn't it just as easily be out of fear? Fear that you will fail? Then that dream that was so wonderful to you is now your heart break. A woman that I am very close to had always dreamed of owning her own business. For years, she waited patiently while her children grew, one by one leaving the nest. Then one day her dream came true and she was the proud owner of her own place. Then things went awry and she lost it. What happens to that dream now that the life that it was given left? It becomes a memory that didn't work out. So does that mean you don't try again? Or does that mean you go back to a life that gets you by but doesn't excite you? Or do you wipe yourself off and try again? That answer boils down to what kind of person you are in the end. My friend? She did not try again but I still see that light in her eyes every now and again. So I suppose these dreams that once had life don't really die. They just stick around in the back of your mind, waiting patiently for the day that you might bring them out of the closet again.

In the meantime you work those jobs that get you by but have nothing to do with you as a person. You work jobs that don't challenge you or make you a better person. You work those jobs that will never be what you were supposed to do because sometimes that is the only thing to do. So how do you do it? How do you do it when everything around you in this environment drains you of your life? I don't know. I'm still trying to figure that out. The thing is though a job like the one I got is the same place everywhere. Corporate offices are full of politics, power trips, and insecure people who have nothing better to do than to tear everyone around them down. People in general have this twisted need to make themselves feel better but what it comes down to is that they are just very small people in general. If you are a sensitive soul, this can wear you down quite easily. It can take your positive attitude and smash it completely. You start hating the life you lead. You start blaming everything and everyone around you for this negativity. At some point though you have to stop for a second and realize what is happening. You have to make the choice to keep that negativity at bay or else it will eat you alive.

There is a woman I work with who is very sweet and has the best intentions but she allows this negativity to eat at her. She obsesses over it and anticipates the next round of attacks. I admit in recent moments I have allowed this negativity to enter my heart as well. It stopped however when I made the choice to let it go. I aknowledged that it was there and the potential it had to bring me down but I stood up and said hell no. I was becoming someone that I wasn't and I just didn't like what I saw in the mirror or the things that were coming out of my mouth. I accepted the environment that I was in and that it was not going to change. I made a conscience decision to change how I reacted because that is the only thing that I can control. I cannot control their low self esteem or how they go about making themselves feel better but I can control my behavior.

I am not one to get wrapped up in drama. It is pointless and unnecessary. It gives you wrinkles. You become obsessed with it just as much as anything else to the point it becomes your whole life. In the end it's just simply not worth it. If someone wants to yell at you to boost their own ego, that is their deal. Let them yell but don't let that deflate you as a person. We come into contact with all kinds of different people in our lives, none of which we can control. At the end of the day when you lay yourself down to sleep, you have to answer to yourself. Are you proud of all the things that you did that day? Are you proud of the way you treated people? Because people will treat you any which way they want and they will have to answer to themselves eventually.

I would like to say that I'm a good person. I would like to say that I treated others with kindness even if they were wretched towards me. I would like to say that I walk away from those things that are meant to hurt me. Do I always? No I don't. I can admit that. I can admit that I'm not always the nicest person in the world. I can admit that I make judgments on people without knowing them. The difference between me and them? I aknowledge my own faults and most the time make a conscience effort to correct them. At thirty years old I have finally come into a maturity that I didn't know I could reach. I have an understanding of this crazy world around me, knowing that I won't always be the person I want to be and understanding that I am the only responsible for becoming that person.