I haven't posted a blog for awhile but I've got the time miraculously enough. I suppose I have a few things I would like to get off my mind. You know it has occurred to me as of late that I really don't hang out with people in general. Why? I really didn't know the answer to this initially. Do I dislike people? Do I think I am better than people? And the answer to both of those questions is no. I know. Some people would like to think me a bitch but I'm not. I have always had huge defense mechanisms that make me come off as being such. Truth is I'm a pretty sweet girl and love to help people but you know how it goes. You're nice for awhile and the world takes advantage of it, making it impossible to know when to be kind and when to shut it off. Like most people will tell you, I just got tired of being taken advantage of. So, yeah, I keep my distance and I don't allow of people to get all that close to me because it is easier that way. I have the best of intentions but after awhile you just don't doubt everyone else's.
Recently I reconnected with an old friend. He was probably my best friend for a good three years of my life. I adored him even when I knew that the friendship was not healthy, almost one sided. He asked. I gave. I asked. He asked for more. Call it self deprivation. Call it enlightenment. Call it what you will. It came to a point where I had enough. I realized that all this person was doing was sucking the very life out of me so I bolted. Slowly I edged this person out of my life because it was the right thing for me to do. I grew up I guess but I wasn't going to grow with this person in my life. So a year or so went by and we ran into each other again. I was like, yeah, I missed you. Let's be friends. The thing is what I have found is now we have nothing in common. He is still living that life style and I am not which makes it hard for us to connect.
And then there is another friend who does nothing but make other people feel horrible about themselves. If you do something great, she will find a way to make herself appear better. I'm not that kind of person nor have I ever been. If you win the trophy, I am going to be happy for you and we are going to celebrate your victory. I'm not gonna tell you I just saved 3.2 children from a burning house.
It makes me question my choice of company sometimes. Do we hang out with certain people because they are reflections of us? Or do we hang out with certain people because they remind us of who we don't want to be? And at what point do we figure this out? I don't know. Perhaps that is the reasoning for my constant loner-like behavior. I find it easier to only have to deal with myself. At least when I am being a douche bag, I can do something about it. Other people can't be controlled and sometimes that is tedious.
In my perfect world, we would all be friends and we would help each other. We would celebrate our good qualities and help each other work out the bad. We would support each other and elevate each other and not be so harsh with each others' feelings. There would be no secret agendas or twisted gossip, just honesty and respect for every part of who we are. This Utopia may never happen in reality but it's a nice fantasy in my head I suppose...
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