She Grows

She is about as tall as me now.

Days, a matter of days, she will shoot right past me.

The smell of her fresh baby skin lingers on the blankets I have put aside.

Her little coos and gurgling baby laughter still echoes softly in my ears.

Her eyes are no longer electric blue like they were when our eyes first met.

No longer does she fit perfectly in the crook of my neck

but I see her tiny face every time I look at her.

I watch her put her makeup on now

and all I see is that four year old little girl playing in the mirror.

I look at this young woman in front of me,

this young woman with her perfectly put together self,

and all I want is for her to stay a little girl forever.

I know this child who walks around with my heart will soon bloom.

Off into the world she will go, leaving me on the doorstep waving goodbye.

I will smile and I will be proud and my heart will break

because this little girl who used to dance on my feet won't need my feet anymore.

There will be no more mornings of little feet jumping on my bed.

As much as it hurts, she will find her own feet, her own path

but all I will ever see is my little girl.

Pay Love Forward

I don't know at what point in my life I became who I am today but I do not regret any part of my journey.  Sure, there are things that I wish that hadn't happened but if they hadn't I don't know who would be sitting at this computer today.  I somehow understood that love was a more powerful force then hate, then anger.  I embraced kindness over being hurtful.  I live my life with a grace now that the younger me could never possibly understand.  I was a rough teenager, full of pride and spite.  As each year came and went, that pride that once ruled every part of me lost its power.  In its place, a calmer, gentler me came forward.

My daughter often says to me that I don't stand up for myself, that I let people walk all over me.  She's thirteen and just like me when I was her age.  Frightening?  Of course but I know that in time she will learn just like I did.  There are battles that I should fight that I don't, sure, but I weigh the consequences.  I follow my heart and understand that those battles aren't always worth fighting.  I remember the movie Pay It Forward.  Though it's been years since I saw it, I still love the premise, the simple and beautiful premise.  Since then, I have tried to practice this simple premise.  If someone does you a favor, thank them and pay it forward, never expecting anything in return.  I think that was part of my problem back then.  I expected something in return.

A couple weeks ago, my boss said the kindest words about me.  It truly touched my heart.  I wasn't expecting any kind of praise for just doing what I do though I am grateful for his words.  I just know that I like helping people.  I don't mind hard work, don't mind long hours, don't mind hanging in the background.  To me, seeing the smile on people's faces is enough.  And when they ask me what they can do for me?  I just tell them to do something nice for someone else.  This world is full of plenty of people who will do nasty things but I don't have to be one of them.  I prefer to pass out flowers for no reason to people because I want to.

A girl I work with who I adore told me the other day that she loved reading the things that I post on Facebook.  Her words again were quite touching and I couldn't help but to tear up.  I don't know who really reads my stuff and it doesn't matter really if no one reads my words.  I will keep writing.  I will keep creating.  And if it inspires someone out there?  Then I've got everything I could possibly want from doing this.  The one thing that hasn't changed from being a kid is the love I have for the written (and/or typed) word.  All I wanted to do back then was make people happy, to inspire them with some pretty prose that came from my tiny hands.  One day I will be published but this will do, too.  If I held onto anything from being that proud, stubborn girl, I still have her perseverance.  And if one person out there is inspired by my words, that's enough for me to keep going.

One Shiny Penny

It's been a long week.  I do hope one day I can just sit down and do this for a living but for now I am a modern day wench, flinging beer from one table to the next and shaking my assets so I can earn a decent tip from a dude that drinks twelve Diet Cokes in five minutes.  Yes, sir, your would like another, I know.  I don't mind really.  Serving gives me a flexible enough schedule so I can theoretically do this on the side.  Has it worked?  Not really but I do what I can.  Being a wife and mother will always take priority over my career, at least for the time being.  In five years, my kid will be on her way to college, starting her own adult adventure.  My husband and I will then be able to stare at dreamily into each others' eyes for hours uninterrupted and that, my friends, I am looking forward to.  For now, I work.  I raise my child.  I cuddle my husband.  I clean and clean and clean again.  Somewhere in there, I find myself here.

Last week I got pulled into the office at work.  Yeah, that was the same reaction I had, too.  Uh-oh.  I will admit I am legitimately paranoid about doing something wrong or disappointing people or just screwing up in general.  I don't ever want anyone to look at me and think that I'm not good enough.  I've always had this weird complex about it.  Maybe it's because I was the third child, stuck in the middle of four kids, constantly being ignored or blamed.  Maybe I'm just an overachiever or some kind of strange perfectionist, I don't know.  To my relief, it was nothing but good things and I couldn't have been more touched.  I teared up at his words because all I ever want to be in this world is amazing.  I don't want to be better than anyone else.  I just want to be constantly better than myself.  I want people to know they can depend on me.  I want people to know if they need anything, I will do my best to help them.

We are our own worst critics.  If you tell me I did a good job, it only pushes me to do better.  You can tell me that I did something perfectly and I will find a way to show you that I didn't.  I am hard on myself but aren't we all?  Don't we all beat ourselves up over the smallest, most asinine things?  I do.  I walked out of that office with my watery eyes and I apologized for not knowing how to take praise.  I thanked him for his kind words about my kind actions because I don't know how to take a compliment.  You would think that I grew up with people verbally abusing me but I didn't.  I just didn't hear anything, good or bad.  I just know that my best will never be good enough or at least it won't be for me.

I want to be better then I was the day before.  I never want to stop learning on how to improve my life for me, for my family, for my friends.  And, yeah, I put extremely high expectations on myself.  For a long time in my life, I was the only one pushing myself forward.  I was alone without encouragement, with very little support.  I had to push my way through.  Failing was not an option.  I was the captain of my own ship and I refused to let myself sink.  I had to be better then I had ever been before.  Now, that I've found happier plains, I still have that mentality though I know I should lighten up sometimes.  We all should, right?

Now, I understand my limits but I also understand that I will never stop trying.  It truly touched me that he saw all of those things in me.  Honestly, sometimes I feel invisible but I've always been a bit of a wallflower, a quiet observer just watching the world around me.  It's just nice to shine sometimes.