Easy Criminal

It has been an interesting week, mainly day. I have been accused. I have been run over. All for what? I am not sure. You know we all got our own things that hurt us, that bug us, that infuriate us. We all deal with our pain in different ways. Some keep it themselves, letting it fester inside them, never saying a word to anyone. Others make a joke out of it as a way of protecting themselves, pretending as if it never mattered. And still others attack everyone around them to stop themselves from thinking about what is causing their own pain. I guess I have always had this belief, this way of living to treat other people the way I would like to be treated. So, yeah, I try not to say something that would be hurtful to them. I try to not to throw stones when I am angry. Why? Because I would never want anyone to treat me like that in return.

Have you ever known someone that you wanted to enjoy? That you wanted to love unconditionally but yet could never let yourself completely? There is this soul that I know, that I've known for a long time. Our friendship has been rocky at times. We are two different personalities coming from two different places. The way that we deal with our lives are very different. I understand that as an adult we have choices to make and they are not always the easiest choices. I know that anything worth having will never be easy. I completely get that my mistakes or my carelessness have consequences and I get that I must take those consequences of my actions as they come, face them head on. My friend is not there yet. I won't go into the details but tonight words were shared that hurt me so deeply. Was it the words that were spoken? Or was it that I finally understood that I would never be able to love this person unconditionally as a friend should? And I can't answer that... at least not yet. Their words were cold, uncaring, almost hateful that tears poured out my face. It wasn't an attack on me. It wasn't even about me. It was about more than I can even explain. It was about the mere ignorance they had for anyone else's feelings than their own. This isn't the first time this friend has behaved in such a way. It is certainly not the first time that my feelings have been hurt by them.

So at what point do you walk away from a friend that consistently shows you no concern? I wanted to help this person if they had been sad or scared or even angry. I wanted them to know that as their friend I would be there for them... but something between us broke tonight. I am just not sure it is fixable. Maybe my reaction was too much, too emotional. Maybe the nonchalance in their tone was just their defense mechanism and maybe they are hurting more than they will ever let me know. I believe in compassion. I believe in being kind to the people around you even when you would rather throw them off a building... but where is the line when the compassion you give does nothing but turns around on you? I don't know.

Tonight this compassion I have was turned against me in another way. I have done nothing but attempted to show this man kindness even when he didn't deserve it. I have never gone after him in a ugly, hateful way even when I saw a little girl's heart break. Tonight I received a phone call accusing me of doing something I would never do. More often than not from the people around him I am thought of as a horrible monster. Granted, I can be a bitch. Granted, I am not always the nicest person. I can, however, assure you and them that these horrible things that they think that I do are ridiculous.

Life is pretty fucked up sometimes. I wish that the rainbows and butterflies in my mind could be real and that's where I could live. I wish I could be in a place where people were honest and kind, true and real without this fear of their heart breaking. I am a tough chick. I can withstand most anything. Punch me, kick me, push me down but know that words are far more crippling.

Jenga

I suppose you could say that I have some revelations of late about what kind of person I am and the kind of person I want to become. I have learned to let the fights that don't need to be fought go and when to stand up and say wait a minute. I can remember in my younger years I fought just about everything that blinked but it was tiresome. Truth be told life kicked the shit out of me a few good times. Yeah I gave up a bit. Now though it seems that the fire that once burned is trying to reignite itself. How do you light your match without burning yourself up? It is a matter of focus. Every day I am surrounded by trivial minds who get upset over the simplest of things. It gets to me at times to a point I would like to turn around and scream obscenities at them but I do not. Instead I try to go to a place in my mind where there is peace and hope. I escape to my imagination, an imagination that I have not let breathe in quite some time. I don't think because we become adults we can't still imagine a better world where everything is possible. It's such a cop out. Because I am older I can no longer imagine what life would be like if I didn't have to pay bills? It is the one basic human right and it helps all of us get through a life less desirable.

Today a friend complained and complained about everyone around her. I asked her a simple question. Do these people really matter? At the end of the day when you go home and live your real life, do what these people say or do determine your happiness? She didn't know what to say so she turned it on me. I merely said that I had no feeling on these people one way or the other because they don't mean anything real to me. I know. It sounds cold. Are we not supposed to care about the people around us? To a point, to a point... I am certainly not going to let someone else's small mind shrink my own nor am I going to allow them to take away the sun that shines inside me. What is important in this life has nothing to do with what kind of job you have or even the opinions that people have you. All you can ever do is be you.

What does that have to do with my new found fire? Nothing and everything. I have allowed myself lately to feel that warmth again. In the process, I have learned to filter out all the things that shouldn't matter including negativity from people such as those. I am an adult, true. I have responsibilities, absolutely.... but I am still that girl with fiery spirit and she needs love, too. Life is a game of balance, a tricky manipulation of good and bad. You just have to learn how to live your life without losing you in the process.