It has been an interesting week, mainly day. I have been accused. I have been run over. All for what? I am not sure. You know we all got our own things that hurt us, that bug us, that infuriate us. We all deal with our pain in different ways. Some keep it themselves, letting it fester inside them, never saying a word to anyone. Others make a joke out of it as a way of protecting themselves, pretending as if it never mattered. And still others attack everyone around them to stop themselves from thinking about what is causing their own pain. I guess I have always had this belief, this way of living to treat other people the way I would like to be treated. So, yeah, I try not to say something that would be hurtful to them. I try to not to throw stones when I am angry. Why? Because I would never want anyone to treat me like that in return.
Have you ever known someone that you wanted to enjoy? That you wanted to love unconditionally but yet could never let yourself completely? There is this soul that I know, that I've known for a long time. Our friendship has been rocky at times. We are two different personalities coming from two different places. The way that we deal with our lives are very different. I understand that as an adult we have choices to make and they are not always the easiest choices. I know that anything worth having will never be easy. I completely get that my mistakes or my carelessness have consequences and I get that I must take those consequences of my actions as they come, face them head on. My friend is not there yet. I won't go into the details but tonight words were shared that hurt me so deeply. Was it the words that were spoken? Or was it that I finally understood that I would never be able to love this person unconditionally as a friend should? And I can't answer that... at least not yet. Their words were cold, uncaring, almost hateful that tears poured out my face. It wasn't an attack on me. It wasn't even about me. It was about more than I can even explain. It was about the mere ignorance they had for anyone else's feelings than their own. This isn't the first time this friend has behaved in such a way. It is certainly not the first time that my feelings have been hurt by them.
So at what point do you walk away from a friend that consistently shows you no concern? I wanted to help this person if they had been sad or scared or even angry. I wanted them to know that as their friend I would be there for them... but something between us broke tonight. I am just not sure it is fixable. Maybe my reaction was too much, too emotional. Maybe the nonchalance in their tone was just their defense mechanism and maybe they are hurting more than they will ever let me know. I believe in compassion. I believe in being kind to the people around you even when you would rather throw them off a building... but where is the line when the compassion you give does nothing but turns around on you? I don't know.
Tonight this compassion I have was turned against me in another way. I have done nothing but attempted to show this man kindness even when he didn't deserve it. I have never gone after him in a ugly, hateful way even when I saw a little girl's heart break. Tonight I received a phone call accusing me of doing something I would never do. More often than not from the people around him I am thought of as a horrible monster. Granted, I can be a bitch. Granted, I am not always the nicest person. I can, however, assure you and them that these horrible things that they think that I do are ridiculous.
Life is pretty fucked up sometimes. I wish that the rainbows and butterflies in my mind could be real and that's where I could live. I wish I could be in a place where people were honest and kind, true and real without this fear of their heart breaking. I am a tough chick. I can withstand most anything. Punch me, kick me, push me down but know that words are far more crippling.
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