Skin

Well it's been awhile since I actually sat down to blog . i suppose some could say that was a good thing. It means my life is full and busy and all that jazz. It has been, that much is true. I'm in the midst of planning my wedding and it has been a stressful, wonderful experience. I never thought I would have these moments. I never thought I would pick out a wedding dress let alone wear one or make a guest list or figure out what flowers to get. I honestly had given up on ever having this dream. It's not sad so no worries. I think we all just come to a point in our lives where we accept our circumstances for what they are. I was a single mom of a little girl just trying to get by when my fiance came along. I wasn't looking or searching or longing. I had accepted at that point that I was going to raise my daughter, send her off into adulthood, and live my remaining days with a furry animal. And I was ok with it... but I have been so lucky to be granted the chance to live the rest of my life with one of the most wonderful men I have ever met.

I love our story. We had known of each other for almost a year. I worked at a coffee shop four stores down from the bar he worked at. Every day he would walk by my window and every day we kept looking past each other, going about our business. I had seen him before but he looked mean, intimidating to me, so I never took the opportunity to speak to him. And to him, I looked like a bitch which never offended me. I do look like a bitch sometimes :) But life is what it is and somehow it landed me in his bar and we bonded over graping. I had always enjoyed his company after I started working with him and he mine but I didn't know how I really felt about him until I saw him try to date someone else. And at that point, I told him we should hang out and we did and though I was intoxicated on our first date and he locked the keys in the car, love was found. Since that night we have been inseperable and a little more than two years later he still gives me butterflies. He is far more patient than me, more compassionate towards other people than I will ever be, and so much more trusting of the world than I know I am capable of but we fit together in a way I have never fit with anyone in my life. I have lost a lot people in my life that meant something to me and I've never been able to truly believe that friends will stick around when it matters but my fiance is my best friend and the first person in my life who I know will be there for the rest of my life.

So because of my general mistrust of the people in my life, my side of the guest list has changed since the first day we started putting it together. I think for the most part I am too sensitive when it comes to the people in my life. I'm quick to run at the mere chance that they will hurt me, disappoint me, abandon me so I cut them out first. And I've tried to change this about myself but when I reach out I feel as if no one reaches back. For this reason, I have decided to not invite some of the people I originally thought I was going to. My wedding day means so much to me for so many different reasons and I want to share it with people who genuinely care about me and who are genuinely happy for me and want to share it back. The problem is there are people out there who I thought would be there but after reaching out and getting nothing in return, I feel like I don't want to share this day with them because of their lack of response to me. It's tough when you feel like everyone in your life walked out on you after a little bit to trust that someone will be there. I don't know whether to send them an invite and if they don't come, they don't come but at least I tried... but if I already have a suspicion that they won't show up, why do I want to share one of the most important days of my life with them? And there I have it.