I often wonder why I don't just shut up and do that something amazing that I know that I am able to do. I know it's not a matter of failure because I'm okay with failing if that is the case. Perhaps it's more the idea of success. If I achieve all of my dreams and my goals, what then do I have to imagine? If I become the writer I know I can be, the coffee shop owner I know I will be, what's next? It's like finding love I guess. You go through your life dreaming of the day that you will meet your true love, imagine the day you walk down the aisle, the day you bear your first child, and then out of the blue those things happen. So what do you imagine next? I suppose, for me, these poetic dreams of writing for a living and owning my own sanctuary have always been a part of me. To actually have them? I just don't know if I would know what to do next. But is there a "next"? What if that's it? Dreams are a force inside of you. They push you, mold you, love you in a way only they can. When they become reality, they are no longer that romantic thought, that far fetched whim. They are tangible and real and become just like the lunches that have to be made, the laundry that has to be done, the job that you have to go to. They aren't these fantastical, hypothetical journeys anymore. So what is it that I am saying? Am I saying that it's not worth it to chase your dreams? Am I saying that wanting all your life is better than having? Honestly I don't know what I'm saying. I can't make up your mind for you. All I know is that those are the questions I battle with. I will be published one day. I will own my shop, too... when I decide that I am ready for them to be more than a thought in my head.
My father once told me that he was disappointed in me because I did not live up to the potential he knew I had. Did I get angry at him? Nah. It would have been a pointless anger because I get it. Most of my life I have flown on the wings of mediocrity. Being anything more than that was taxing to a woman who was a single mother. Sure, I wanted to show my daughter that everyone has wings to soar but it was always more important to put food on the table, shoes on her feet, a roof over her head. I saw the look in my father's eyes and I knew that I was a disappointment because I was a disappointment to myself. The one thing that I have always been good at was being a mother. I wouldn't trade that one thing for a million published novels or a billion coffee shops. My dreams could wait... at least until she was old enough to chase her own.
She is halfway to adult hood and I suppose that is why these questions have started to form more loudly in my head. She will leave the nest soon, leaving me to figure out what it is I'm supposed to do now that I am not needed anymore. She won't need her lunches made or her laundry done or a cuddle at night. So why is it that I don't get off my ass? Perhaps the little girl in me deserves the same chance to chase her dreams, too.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Friends. Who needs them?
I haven't posted a blog for awhile but I've got the time miraculously enough. I suppose I have a few things I would like to get off my mind. You know it has occurred to me as of late that I really don't hang out with people in general. Why? I really didn't know the answer to this initially. Do I dislike people? Do I think I am better than people? And the answer to both of those questions is no. I know. Some people would like to think me a bitch but I'm not. I have always had huge defense mechanisms that make me come off as being such. Truth is I'm a pretty sweet girl and love to help people but you know how it goes. You're nice for awhile and the world takes advantage of it, making it impossible to know when to be kind and when to shut it off. Like most people will tell you, I just got tired of being taken advantage of. So, yeah, I keep my distance and I don't allow of people to get all that close to me because it is easier that way. I have the best of intentions but after awhile you just don't doubt everyone else's.
Recently I reconnected with an old friend. He was probably my best friend for a good three years of my life. I adored him even when I knew that the friendship was not healthy, almost one sided. He asked. I gave. I asked. He asked for more. Call it self deprivation. Call it enlightenment. Call it what you will. It came to a point where I had enough. I realized that all this person was doing was sucking the very life out of me so I bolted. Slowly I edged this person out of my life because it was the right thing for me to do. I grew up I guess but I wasn't going to grow with this person in my life. So a year or so went by and we ran into each other again. I was like, yeah, I missed you. Let's be friends. The thing is what I have found is now we have nothing in common. He is still living that life style and I am not which makes it hard for us to connect.
And then there is another friend who does nothing but make other people feel horrible about themselves. If you do something great, she will find a way to make herself appear better. I'm not that kind of person nor have I ever been. If you win the trophy, I am going to be happy for you and we are going to celebrate your victory. I'm not gonna tell you I just saved 3.2 children from a burning house.
It makes me question my choice of company sometimes. Do we hang out with certain people because they are reflections of us? Or do we hang out with certain people because they remind us of who we don't want to be? And at what point do we figure this out? I don't know. Perhaps that is the reasoning for my constant loner-like behavior. I find it easier to only have to deal with myself. At least when I am being a douche bag, I can do something about it. Other people can't be controlled and sometimes that is tedious.
In my perfect world, we would all be friends and we would help each other. We would celebrate our good qualities and help each other work out the bad. We would support each other and elevate each other and not be so harsh with each others' feelings. There would be no secret agendas or twisted gossip, just honesty and respect for every part of who we are. This Utopia may never happen in reality but it's a nice fantasy in my head I suppose...
Recently I reconnected with an old friend. He was probably my best friend for a good three years of my life. I adored him even when I knew that the friendship was not healthy, almost one sided. He asked. I gave. I asked. He asked for more. Call it self deprivation. Call it enlightenment. Call it what you will. It came to a point where I had enough. I realized that all this person was doing was sucking the very life out of me so I bolted. Slowly I edged this person out of my life because it was the right thing for me to do. I grew up I guess but I wasn't going to grow with this person in my life. So a year or so went by and we ran into each other again. I was like, yeah, I missed you. Let's be friends. The thing is what I have found is now we have nothing in common. He is still living that life style and I am not which makes it hard for us to connect.
And then there is another friend who does nothing but make other people feel horrible about themselves. If you do something great, she will find a way to make herself appear better. I'm not that kind of person nor have I ever been. If you win the trophy, I am going to be happy for you and we are going to celebrate your victory. I'm not gonna tell you I just saved 3.2 children from a burning house.
It makes me question my choice of company sometimes. Do we hang out with certain people because they are reflections of us? Or do we hang out with certain people because they remind us of who we don't want to be? And at what point do we figure this out? I don't know. Perhaps that is the reasoning for my constant loner-like behavior. I find it easier to only have to deal with myself. At least when I am being a douche bag, I can do something about it. Other people can't be controlled and sometimes that is tedious.
In my perfect world, we would all be friends and we would help each other. We would celebrate our good qualities and help each other work out the bad. We would support each other and elevate each other and not be so harsh with each others' feelings. There would be no secret agendas or twisted gossip, just honesty and respect for every part of who we are. This Utopia may never happen in reality but it's a nice fantasy in my head I suppose...
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