It's been a long week. I do hope one day I can just sit down and do this for a living but for now I am a modern day wench, flinging beer from one table to the next and shaking my assets so I can earn a decent tip from a dude that drinks twelve Diet Cokes in five minutes. Yes, sir, your would like another, I know. I don't mind really. Serving gives me a flexible enough schedule so I can theoretically do this on the side. Has it worked? Not really but I do what I can. Being a wife and mother will always take priority over my career, at least for the time being. In five years, my kid will be on her way to college, starting her own adult adventure. My husband and I will then be able to stare at dreamily into each others' eyes for hours uninterrupted and that, my friends, I am looking forward to. For now, I work. I raise my child. I cuddle my husband. I clean and clean and clean again. Somewhere in there, I find myself here.
Last week I got pulled into the office at work. Yeah, that was the same reaction I had, too. Uh-oh. I will admit I am legitimately paranoid about doing something wrong or disappointing people or just screwing up in general. I don't ever want anyone to look at me and think that I'm not good enough. I've always had this weird complex about it. Maybe it's because I was the third child, stuck in the middle of four kids, constantly being ignored or blamed. Maybe I'm just an overachiever or some kind of strange perfectionist, I don't know. To my relief, it was nothing but good things and I couldn't have been more touched. I teared up at his words because all I ever want to be in this world is amazing. I don't want to be better than anyone else. I just want to be constantly better than myself. I want people to know they can depend on me. I want people to know if they need anything, I will do my best to help them.
We are our own worst critics. If you tell me I did a good job, it only pushes me to do better. You can tell me that I did something perfectly and I will find a way to show you that I didn't. I am hard on myself but aren't we all? Don't we all beat ourselves up over the smallest, most asinine things? I do. I walked out of that office with my watery eyes and I apologized for not knowing how to take praise. I thanked him for his kind words about my kind actions because I don't know how to take a compliment. You would think that I grew up with people verbally abusing me but I didn't. I just didn't hear anything, good or bad. I just know that my best will never be good enough or at least it won't be for me.
I want to be better then I was the day before. I never want to stop learning on how to improve my life for me, for my family, for my friends. And, yeah, I put extremely high expectations on myself. For a long time in my life, I was the only one pushing myself forward. I was alone without encouragement, with very little support. I had to push my way through. Failing was not an option. I was the captain of my own ship and I refused to let myself sink. I had to be better then I had ever been before. Now, that I've found happier plains, I still have that mentality though I know I should lighten up sometimes. We all should, right?
Now, I understand my limits but I also understand that I will never stop trying. It truly touched me that he saw all of those things in me. Honestly, sometimes I feel invisible but I've always been a bit of a wallflower, a quiet observer just watching the world around me. It's just nice to shine sometimes.
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