Clever Me

Here I am, thirty years old, with a wonderful kid and a good, honest relationship and a family that supports me in their own way even I can't always understand their good intentions. I suppose lately my age has started to mean something. Like most, you get to a certain age and you start to take count of your life and wonder what happened to all those passing years. When I was a kid all I wanted to do was write. For the most part I have kept that up but not for the world to read. I have notebooks upon notebooks full of my rambles and yet no one to share it with. Why not? I often ask myself that same question. Life has a funny way of just getting away from you. I got detoured because of things I could not control and by my own doing. I was young and broken and for a while there didn't think that I was worth anyone's time because of something that happened that changed me so deeply as a person. And then I healed with the help of a small child, knowing it was the only kind of love that would put my pieces back together. And then? And then I was a single mother with responsibilities and mouths to feed and bills to pay. My dreams were put to the side intentionally because they had to be. Some people become parents and it doesn't change their life style. They do what they always do but for me my life became those big brown eyes. I have no regrets though. In every way, good or bad, I wouldn't change a thing about my life.

So now I work at a job that I loath because I still have to pay the bills and put food on the table. I do it out of love for more than myself. Still I can't help but to always come back to this. The written word has been my very best companion since I was a small child. It has helped me see the good in me and face all the bad even when I didn't want to. It has made sense out of my chaotic life. Even if I don't know what it is that I'm trying to say, my words always have a way of forming that complete thought for me.

Life happens though. It distracts you from all those wonderful things that you know that you are. So you end up working a job you can't stand because of obligation but couldn't it just as easily be out of fear? Fear that you will fail? Then that dream that was so wonderful to you is now your heart break. A woman that I am very close to had always dreamed of owning her own business. For years, she waited patiently while her children grew, one by one leaving the nest. Then one day her dream came true and she was the proud owner of her own place. Then things went awry and she lost it. What happens to that dream now that the life that it was given left? It becomes a memory that didn't work out. So does that mean you don't try again? Or does that mean you go back to a life that gets you by but doesn't excite you? Or do you wipe yourself off and try again? That answer boils down to what kind of person you are in the end. My friend? She did not try again but I still see that light in her eyes every now and again. So I suppose these dreams that once had life don't really die. They just stick around in the back of your mind, waiting patiently for the day that you might bring them out of the closet again.

In the meantime you work those jobs that get you by but have nothing to do with you as a person. You work jobs that don't challenge you or make you a better person. You work those jobs that will never be what you were supposed to do because sometimes that is the only thing to do. So how do you do it? How do you do it when everything around you in this environment drains you of your life? I don't know. I'm still trying to figure that out. The thing is though a job like the one I got is the same place everywhere. Corporate offices are full of politics, power trips, and insecure people who have nothing better to do than to tear everyone around them down. People in general have this twisted need to make themselves feel better but what it comes down to is that they are just very small people in general. If you are a sensitive soul, this can wear you down quite easily. It can take your positive attitude and smash it completely. You start hating the life you lead. You start blaming everything and everyone around you for this negativity. At some point though you have to stop for a second and realize what is happening. You have to make the choice to keep that negativity at bay or else it will eat you alive.

There is a woman I work with who is very sweet and has the best intentions but she allows this negativity to eat at her. She obsesses over it and anticipates the next round of attacks. I admit in recent moments I have allowed this negativity to enter my heart as well. It stopped however when I made the choice to let it go. I aknowledged that it was there and the potential it had to bring me down but I stood up and said hell no. I was becoming someone that I wasn't and I just didn't like what I saw in the mirror or the things that were coming out of my mouth. I accepted the environment that I was in and that it was not going to change. I made a conscience decision to change how I reacted because that is the only thing that I can control. I cannot control their low self esteem or how they go about making themselves feel better but I can control my behavior.

I am not one to get wrapped up in drama. It is pointless and unnecessary. It gives you wrinkles. You become obsessed with it just as much as anything else to the point it becomes your whole life. In the end it's just simply not worth it. If someone wants to yell at you to boost their own ego, that is their deal. Let them yell but don't let that deflate you as a person. We come into contact with all kinds of different people in our lives, none of which we can control. At the end of the day when you lay yourself down to sleep, you have to answer to yourself. Are you proud of all the things that you did that day? Are you proud of the way you treated people? Because people will treat you any which way they want and they will have to answer to themselves eventually.

I would like to say that I'm a good person. I would like to say that I treated others with kindness even if they were wretched towards me. I would like to say that I walk away from those things that are meant to hurt me. Do I always? No I don't. I can admit that. I can admit that I'm not always the nicest person in the world. I can admit that I make judgments on people without knowing them. The difference between me and them? I aknowledge my own faults and most the time make a conscience effort to correct them. At thirty years old I have finally come into a maturity that I didn't know I could reach. I have an understanding of this crazy world around me, knowing that I won't always be the person I want to be and understanding that I am the only responsible for becoming that person.